So not sure...

If I'll actually follow through with any of this, but I've been toying with the idea of setting up a blog for a bit of time now.  The thing is, I'm not even sure I like the concept of blogging.  It's too unidirectional.

When discussing things with people, I much prefer to have conversations (though I'm told that I often tend to not be responsive enough to anyone else's part of the conversation.  I have many ideas, and not many ways to get them out.)  Conversations don't always come easily to me.  Most social interaction doesn't.  Most of the ways that people socialise don't make much sense to me either.  It seems to me that, very often, most people enjoy spending time around other people more than they enjoy spending time with other people.

If I do decide to follow through on the idea, this blog will probably be nothing more than my way to try to get the thoughts within my head outside of it.  Much like the title, it may very well end by being the disjointed ramblings of a slightly disordered mind.  Forgive me if it appears as such.  Forgive me if it is such.  This world doesn't always make sense to me.  This will be my weak attempt to come to terms (in a literal sense) with the world around me.  It will probably function more as an open journal than anything else.  You can feel free to read along, free to ignore it.  Or free to chime in as you see fit.

If you've interacted with me at all over the past five years, you'll know by now that I'm pretty sure I'm at least mildly autistic.  I've never been properly diagnosed, nor do I have the resources to get a diagnosis at this time, but most of the signs seem to point that way.  In a certain sense, as I've noted elsewhere, I think that this leaves me as something of the equivalent of a blind man in a world filled with those that can see.  I have an entirely different set of capabilities than those that around me.  I'm worse at some, better at others.  It's often noted that those that are blind often developed heightened sensitivity in other senses.  And in a certain sense, I think that this describes me very well.  I don't understand non-verbal cues very well.  I do have a strong affinity to sound and words and language (even the language of math) and rhythm and melody (even if I cannot replicate those things myself).  These things are all variations on a theme for me.  They are all forms of expression, all forms of language I can understand.    Like a Stoppard character, words, words, they're all I have to go on.  Sounds, sounds, they're all I have to understand.


What you'll get here?   In all probability, quite a lot of words.  When I say that I have an affinity for words, I'm not sure that I mean that in the same sense that most people do.  I know I don't use them in the same way that most people do.  I know that I often misconstrue the meanings of the words that other people use.  Friendship, love, kindness, politeness, compassion, truth, honesty, acceptance, conversation, trust, family, forgiveness, suffering...   These are all words that I stumble across every day.   In a literal sense.  Like entering a darkened room and bumping your shin on a chair, I stumble across these words as I move through this world.


My cousin tells me that I speak in stories.  I'm not sure what that means.  Someone else has told me that I speak in maths.  I'm not sure I know what that means, either.  For me, it often feels as if I speak in hypertext, slowly trying to elucidate the links between things, so that I might understand them better.  And for the third time, I'm not sure I understand what that means.  Or even if it is something that is possible to convey.  And if it is possible to convey, I'm not sure that there's much of anyone out there that can be bothered to listen.

So if you're up for the ride, feel free to tag along.  If you've spent any time with me over the past, you'll know that I may often repeat myself.  If you've spent any time with me in the past, you've probably heard quite a few of these stories already.  Forgive me if I repeat myself.  You'll also note that I can be amazingly blunt.  And I have a tendency towards words that most of polite society would say that we should not use.  This may merely be my attempt to bring the truth within me to the outside light.  As I stated at the opening, I'm not even sure I feel comfortable with the platform.  If you wish to ask a question or offer commentary, feel free.  It might make the space feel a bit more like home.